Hold on to your shiny club shirts.
Your intrepid reporter here has scoured the multitude of ‘pick up artist’ websites to bring you the most hilarious ‘techniques’ of these seduction Picassos.
So the next time you’re out working your ‘day game,’ you can employ these Van Gogh-esque techniques of sexual artistry and, surely, the ladies will be all over you.
8. Openers are the new pick up lines
It has been decreed by these Claude Monets of the club that opening lines are the new pick up lines. You know, because pick up lines are too cheesy and sleazy to ‘work’. And by ‘work’, we mean, like, induce a girl to have sex with you.
However, “openers” will start the conversation whereby you can go into your “routine.”
And by “openers,” I suppose all we mean is “starting a conversation.” Which, when you think about it, is a normal thing normal human beings do, and wouldn’t need a routine if ‘sex with a girl’ wasn’t written all over the guy’s face.
7. “Grab a cell phone” and pretend you’re talking with a girl
What the guy thinks: This will trick her into thinking I know a girl, and when she sees how down I am with her species she will be more comfortable in closer proximity.
What she thinks: Why is this douche pretending to talk on his phone? Is he still in high school?
Also, thanks to the example pictured above, it doesn’t even have to be your phone. You should just grab ANYONE’S cell phone to accomplish this feat. Which, granted, would make it a lot funnier.
6. Don’t smile
Bro, you’re smiling too much. You have to show that our mind game is out hustling her mind game that she came in with to counter the mind game she thought we would be showing up with.
In fact, don’t have any fun at all. And make sure she doesn’t either. That ought to do it. Kick rocks, virginity!
5. Ignore her
You know what? Let’s take it one step further. Just don’t even engage in conversation with her. Because if there’s one thing women experience too much, it’s being listened to. Once you don’t listen to what she has to say, she’ll be all like “What strange new playing field is this?”
4. Insult her
You know what? I still think we can do better. I think we should escalate this to ‘negging’ – the piece de resistance in the pick up artist’s portfolio.
Tell her she’s ugly. That gets dudes laid for sure.
A common one is to tell ladies they’re looking sour, which should spur them into wanting to please you with how chipper they can be. Or they’ll just tell you to fuck off. But if it works, it works!
3. Approach from a 45 degree angle
Wrong. You should button hook. No, wait! Statue of Liberty play for sure!
Do a cross stepping zig zag pattern all the way to her heart!
“Grandma, how did you meet grandpa? Was it love at first sight?”
“Well, in a way, yes. You see, he approached from a 45 degree angle…”
2. Pretend you’re a new age guru who can read auras and tarot cards
There she is, out celebrating her cousin’s stagette party. She doesn’t normally come out to these dance clubs, but, what the heck, she figures she can let her hair down this weekend.
Lasers are flashing, the bass is booming. There sure are a lot of douchebags around here … but woah woah woah, who’s this?
A guy with a faux-hawk and an Ed Hardy t-shirt, who is also in touch with his chakras? A man with the aura of Axe body spray and who feel my aura is purple and sad? A guy with swords tattooed on his neck who pulls the three swords card from his Rider-Waite tarot deck?
Could this be her knight in shining armor? He’s just too good to be true!
She goes back to the hotel with her friends where they all make fun of the “Douche Guru” for the rest of the night.
1. MAGIC TRICKS GET GIRLS HOT
There’s a lot of different kinds of guys out there. But there is only one true kind of guy out there who makes women weak at the knees.
The one kind of man who women swoon for.
Young girls dream of him in their diaries. Old women take walks along the seashore remembering him.
The man most infused with raw sexual energy – Magic Tricks Guy.
Women just don’t know what comes over themselves when a guy shows up at the bar with a little plastic case. He has a little rope, and then the middle of the case switches down, apparently cutting the rope in two places.
But then – woah! – in a flash the rope is whole again! What on the face of God’s great Earth?! Fuck me now, Merlin!
Verily, I tell you, the coin was on top of the overturned glass and then … I have no words. The coin was inside the glass. Please Dumbledore, take me to your hotel room!
Follow these steps to be the mayor of sex town
So to review, if you employ all these artful techniques, you should be swimming in vaginas:
- Have some stock conversation starters
- Pretend to be on the phone
- Don’t smile
- Ignore her
- Insult her
- Approach from a 45 degree angle
- Dabble in the dark arts
- Magic tricks
These steps will make you the coolest guy in the room. For sure.