How to get out of the friendzone

She comes back to her apartment crying after a bad date.

You immediately stop doing her dishes, and move her laundry you’ve been doing off the couch, so you can give her your undivided attention…

Here are some questions you should really answer for yourself.

Do you really want out of the friendzone? How much? Is your fear of rejection overriding your willingness to raise the stakes? Are you dependent on her for feeling validated?

Are you hyper-focusing on her?

Is it possible she’s getting the rewards of a good boyfriend while skipping all the commitment and reciprocation?

She doesn’t want a servant for a boyfriend or a guy who acts like a girl friend

You are pouring your attention on her because either:

1.she has qualities you admire – or – are desperate for validation and she has nothing to do with it.

If you need validation, work on yourself and don’t waste the poor girl’s time.

If you admire these qualities, but all you focus on is her, what would she look to you for? To put it another way, what qualities do you have that she can admire? Because being a devoted servant isn’t it.

Too many guys think “Why doesn’t she I’ll give her everything?!” Oh, she sees dude. That’s not what she wants.

She wants a man who can take the wheel in life. Not be an underling.

“He’s such a solid dude”

At some point she and her friends are going to hang out at her place. They’ll be drinking sangria, watching reality TV, and they’ll be gossiping.

The goal is, at this moment, is to have them say about you the words, “He’s such a solid dude.” These are the words uttered before she takes a deep breath and decides to give you a whirl.

Not, “Poor guy, he’s so nice,” but he is barking up the wrong tree and doomed to rejection.

They should be saying, “He’s such a solid dude,” like ‘why can’t more men be like him? He works so hard on himself, on his goals, he’s so considerate of others, charming, and is built for success!’

But if you are fixated on her and running around trying to serve her – what about that says ‘solid dude’?

It doesn’t.

Three friendzone scenarios

Scenario 1: You are a lapdog. Or sidekick to a supervillainess. Or her butler.

Action required: You need to focus more on yourself, less on her. You need to work on your Core + Focus + Drive.

Your Core is your values. These values will be both your principles and what is important to you in this world (eg. career, travel, writing a screenplay etc.)

Your Focus is your goal in life. No, it’s not her. It’s what you want to do with your life. It’s where your core values are brought out and manifested in the world. If it’s windsurfing, work on becoming windsurfing champ. If it’s stamp collecting, then seek the Holy Grail of postage stamps. But whatever it is, you need to seek to level up at it hard.

Your Drive is how hard you are working on leveling up on your focus. It is the gas pedal. How hard can you push it every single day? Can you devote yourself to self-improvement such as exercise and healthy eating and meditating, so that you can push that gas pedal even harder?

You might complain that this has very little to do with getting the girl. I assure you, if she hasn’t gone for you yet, then this has everything to do with getting the girl.

She has likely become comfortable with how much you dote on her, but is not seeing anything in you to attach herself to. Time to take the attention away and build the energy she will be attracted to.

The absolute root of what women are attracted to is Core + Focus + Drive. When she starts missing the attention and sees you committed to a great life, she just might think twice.

Scenario 2: It’s no secret you have been romantically pursuing her, but she keeps you at arms length.

Action required: You have to graciously ask her on a date.You need to call it. Put a fork in the road. She has to take it or leave it. Raise the stakes.

You have to illicit a Yes or No out of her.

If yes, on this date you will explain what you are working toward in life. You’re not asking her to marry you. But you want her to know that you have direction in life and dreams and you are prepared to work for them.

Putting it out there and asking, will absolutely require mustering some confidence, which just so happens to be the number 1 most attractive personality trait according to women everywhere. So even if she says “no” she will admire you for trying. So much so that six months down the road she might come back with a yes. This is very common.

But you have to get to the point where getting a “No” and moving on with your life is infinitely better than staying in the friendzone and attending her wedding to some other dude. Because it really is infinitely better.

Scenario 3: You are in the same group of friends but you feel like a face in the crowd.

Action required: Ask her on a date. You’re just getting started. The sooner you raise the stakes the better. Don’t waste your time  ‘cozying up’. Ask her out for coffee or to some event where you can chat (like, not the movies). Get in her face, and present yourself as a great date.

Then, again, present what you are working for in life. Because she’s wondering, ‘what’s this guy all about?” He should be a ‘solid dude’ – working hard toward great things, considerate, fun. All around awesome.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: